Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Like a horse track in my head...

Grogginess passes each morning while the gates are loaded and ready to fly open.  Clinking around and restless jostling.  Then 'Off they go!".  My mind races with so so so many things everyday, all day.  I go about my business as they take each corner faster, each straight away gaining speed still.  Then night comes.  I am tired, which makes my mind weaker against the thoughts that are now a tangled grouping, all so close, not one seems to stay ahead for but a few seconds.  By the time I decide to force myself to lay down and attempt sleep, there is nothing but a blur.  The line is being crossed by them all at once.  Noses are a many in the last second photo.  One is determined the most stressful and the rest so close.  But tomorrow is another day, another chance for each topic of irritation, hope, worry and stress to leap beyond the others.  Even if just for a split second.
The race is constant seeming.  Each day the thoughts race and race, overwhelming me with feelings.  Leaving me sometimes confused, hopeful, hopeless, worried, excited, and weary. All at once.

Where is my passion? What do I pursue? Which idea is most doable, exciting, profitable, fulfilling, worth it?  Why can I not find the motivation or drive or will power to do the things I NEED to do?

A list of recurring thoughts: 
In current order as of this very moment. (Could and will shift at a moments notice).

  • Lose weight- for health, for pregnancy(I am not pregnant!), for happiness, for quality of life, for self esteem, for self image, for my future children as an example, for my marriage (not in jeopardy, but my being more happy with myself would only benefit our relationship).  Stop hating the size I am. and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 
  • NOT HAPPY BEING A WAITRESS ANYMORE! I do not want another make-no-difference part time irritation causing job.
  • Career- find one, decide on one, pursue one, how? for financial cushion, stability and support. for saving for having babies, for buying a house, for travel. For peace of mind.  ONE? Photography, Interior Design, Arts & Crafts.... Is doing them ALL possible? Feasible?
  • [Will I get the receptionist job at the showroom? It seems like it would make a WORLD of differences!]
  • Hobbies- narrow down, organize, do. for my sanity, for creative outlet, for feeling productive.  for sales?  Are they a waste of time in light of not having a job I enjoy?

FEW! A sigh of temporary relief from a compulsive list maker.

Taking a moment to remember what I am lucky to have and what is wonderful about my life:
Beyond words wonderful amazing awesome husband - he is my best friend.
Family that is close, healthy, helpful and loving.
Puppy who is not a puppy but I love him so dearly.
A roof over my head and all of the 'stuff' we are blessed to have.
A fridge and cupboards full of food, we will not be hungry.
Overall in good health.
A job for me and a job for my husband.
No debt other than student loans.

Okay so the list is wonderfully long... Time to remember that the little things are the best things, there are wonderful things to know about each day and to see everywhere.


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